it's not you, it's God.
a weight I carried for two years...
I left my ex on the same day as his father’s funeral.
Oof.
No, but that’s not quite right…
Let’s try that again.
I left my ex in obedience to God, on the same day as his father’s funeral.
My ex-boyfriend and I dated for roughly 6 years.
5 years into our relationship, his dad’s cancer heartbreakingly took a turn for the worse.
At this same time, God pursued me.
I was simultaneously learning about Jesus, his goodness and his truth, just as I was also witnessing very real and painful health struggles in the life of someone close to me.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to articulate how odd it was…balancing a newfound joy unlike anything I had ever experienced—unlike anything the world could ever give—yet simultaneously witnessing the decline of a loved one before my eyes.
It was incredibly difficult to navigate…
The beauty of heaven was revealed to me while earth’s darkness and death’s imminency stood in the same room.
And I felt just like a fish out of water. On one hand I wanted to jump right back into the familiarity of what once was, which is the pure sweet bliss of ignorance, but on the other I knew that I could never go back to a life devoid of this newfound joy.
Now when we or those we love are in pain or struggling what do we do? We want to be uplifted. And we try to help our loved ones any way we can.
But believers, what do we do?
We point to Jesus.
We remind ourselves and those we love about the wonderful sacrifice he made for us on the Cross.
He’s our anchor in the middle of storm tossed waves.
He’s the bright light shining in the tunnel.
So I anchored myself at His feet. Naturally I tried to share this anchor with my boyfriend too.
I had no clue how to help through such a sad and tumultuous time though I so desperately wanted to uplift him. It was a difficult balance, trying to show someone rainbows and butterflies when all they could see were the dark clouds and rain. I don’t blame him. Still I tried and set out to be there for him through it all.
But God had different plans.
Months passed, as did our 6th anniversary, and not long after he unfortunately lost his father.
In the latter months of that time I was baptized, (already abstinent), and refraining from smoking weed much to the surprise of those around me. Before Jesus, weed was basically my entire personality so refraining from it was quite a statement but it was difficult to do as I was surrounded by smokers.
A couple days after my boyfriend’s dad passed I remember there was a group of us on the front yard. The heaviness of loss was in the air and in a want for relaxation, the group started to smoke.
I remember so clearly wanting to relax too…that I deliberately ignored the conviction from the Holy Spirit and got high alongside them. My boyfriend asked me if I was sure, as he knew I hadn’t smoked since my baptism four months prior, but I said I was sure and continued.
Let me be clear: that was one of the worst highs I’ve ever experienced 😔😩.
Not because of the high itself, but because the guilt I felt during far surpassed the joy of the high. A few hours after I was back home feeling terrible that I’d smoked and asking God to talk to me, opened the Bible.
He led me to 1 Peter chapter 4:
I’ll never be able to describe the overwhelming awe and reverence that swept over knowing God had actually spoken to me!
I was also being led to let go of the relationship and that night was the straw that broke the camel’s back but I wrestled with God for a long time regarding this. I pleaded with Him asking:
how in the world are you asking me to leave **** during such a time as this?
do you know how that will make me look?
how can I do that to him?
he says he needs support! he needs uplifting!
But God was unmoved by my pleas. Firm on his stance.
My heart, paralyzed with the choice he was asking me to make, knew I had to listen. Otherwise I’d be in direct disobedience.
God wanted me removed so that he could step in.
So that he could support.
So that he could do the uplifting.
A couple weeks after I’d smoked was the evening of the wake. The wake was held the day before the funeral and I attended feeling so strongly like I was a fish out of water. Nothing felt right. I knew almost everyone there…but they suddenly looked like complete strangers. I could feel my time with them was up.
The realization was terribly uncomfortable and it was impossible to ignore.
I tried to though, out of respect for my ex’s dad who was always nothing but sweet, welcoming, and incredibly generous to me. But I ended up leaving the wake, my boyfriend in it, and that room full of strangers much earlier than what’s socially normal as my skin was crawling in discomfort.
I couldn’t believe the way I’d felt.
It’s as if God had suddenly changed my heart along with my eyes once I’d step foot into that building. I’m sure I looked oddly rude—not to mention stiff, but I knew exactly why I was feeling the way I had.
That season of my life had come to an end right there and then.
I cried during the car ride home talking to God along the way and I knew he was telling me not to go tomorrow.
Do not go to that funeral tomorrow.
You don’t need to explain anything. This will be a clear statement.
So I never went.
The thing about following Jesus? He never said it would be easy.
I hated to think of what was said about my absence. I know how horrible I must have been perceived. The thought of it was a weight I carried in my heart for a long time. I mean…after spending six years with someone and his family, how does one leave them all without so much as a goodbye? I tried explaining to my boyfriend of course, but he didn’t understand. He wasn’t meant to.
I vented for months afterward in bitterness to God, on how I must have gained a heartless reputation, all for obeying Him.
I prayed over my ex a lot too, hoping he’d found the joy I tried sharing with him all those months ago.
Two years have passed since then.
Unexpected healing and validation:
Recently, at the beginning of this month I went on a much needed three day fast and the Lord mentioned he wanted to give me inner healing, adding, “Expect the unexpected.”
I was curious to find out what exactly I needed healing from.
Day three of the fast comes by and I’m in the book of Luke chapter 9. The end of the chapter comes along and as I read I begin to sob. This is where God instantaneously healed and validated me on something I’d been carrying for so long.
Luke 9:57-62
I was floored.
The. Same. Exact. Predicament. That I was given.
Let’s unpack this.
Jesus calls a man to follow him in verse 59, but the man responds with first let me return home and bury my father
The Lord replies:
“Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead! Your duty is to go and preach about the Kingdom of God”
Another man also wants to join, but says first let me say goodbye to my family
Jesus responds:
“Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God”
Yes, the very same predicament:
Don’t go to that funeral.
Don’t even say goodbye to those you love.
Jesus didn’t offer them time to give a reason for their absence. No time was given to explain.
I know the heart-wrenching conflict those men felt.
I know because I felt it too.
I’ve read Luke countless times since that funeral day but interestingly enough, God chose to heal me from the toll of that decision two years later.
It was as if I was reading this particular section for the first time.
What Jesus asked of these men wasn’t easy. Nor was it socially normal.
In fact during that time—especially in Jewish culture, family burial was a serious tradition to honor the deceased of a loved one where family members tore their clothes as a sign of grief while accompanied by professional mourners.
How wonderfully validating and healing it is, that what God asked of me two years ago…is the same exact pivotal decision he called a couple of men to do, during the time He walked this earth, two thousand years ago.
What an honor it is to be called out of the world and into his hands…to be saved from death’s grip and called to live a life with God.
Since that funeral day my life has never been the same.
And it’s exactly what God wanted.
Thank you for reading.
with love,
Dora
This is a very serious (and well-written) post, but "consider me clocked" had me chucklin XD <3